silence is golden...

If I am silent then I am not real
If I speak up then no one will hear
If I wear a mask there's somewhere to hide

Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins

If I raise my voice
Will someone get hurt?
And if I can't feel then I won't get touched
If no truths are spoken then no lies can hide

Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins

Did you hear me speak
Do you understand
Did you hear my voice
Will you hold my hand
Do you understand me

Won't someone listen
Nobody gets in
My body's a temple
But nothing is simple
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Something was stolen
Safe in my own skin...

S. Manson

too cynical to be happy?

And if I set down this sack of bricks; let this... anger go, then what? Could it be that easy? The reasons are inconsequential to me. It's like being angry at colours. I have no control over their magnitude. I don't control the weather. I'm stubborn, then why do I let you control me? I am the architect of my own happiness. Your decisions don't impact me. Since you don't matter to me, what you think of me, doesn't matter. Those who have embedded themselves in my life are the ones I need to focus on. You are nothing. My anger is limitless, but so is my gratitude. My ability to focus on the positive. You will NOT win this war; the one I waged on you without you knowing. My head is swimming with words. With possibilities. With possible futures. 

But....then again, who am I without this anger, without this cynical streak? Can I still be a queen without the drama?

I think I've been watching too much Sex and the City.

Off to ponder...

fear

I worry that I'll push you away too much and you'll be lost to me forever. I hurl towards the point of no return. That small sane part of my brain, screaming hysterically to stop. Turn back now. Stop the madness... the giant insane part of my brain, the one that's in control ignores the cries. Laughing manically unable to stop; to think of the devistating consequences. And after the emotional hurricane, then what? When everything breaks down, and you're gone, then what?? Once it's over, it's over. I've crossed the line and there's no turning back.

"I lay there, under his grunts, moving out of sync with reality and nightmare.  His fingers were in my hair, then all over my body, touching me in a way that made me want to die.  He kept pushing harder, faster, deeper.  His hot breath on my face, in my ear, down my throat.  I could feel his heart beating against my chest, his weight crushed me, molded my shape into the mattress.  He was reaching his max, sweat splashed on me, and finally, he came.  Pouring himself into me like a disease.  He collapsed on me, breathing me in, heavily, barely able to ingest oxygen.  I pushed him off and wiped myself on the dirty bedspread.  He pointed lazily to the dresser, in there, he said breathlessly.  In the broken drawer was my reward, a small white package filled with redeeming powder.  Without so much as a word, I took it, got dressed and got the fuck out of dodge. 

            I carved my name in the sky.  Wrote my story in the stars and prayed for the great beyond to rescue me.  I finally sunk low.  I crossed the line in the sand, the truth I’d written in stone.  The smell was burned into my flesh and my memory was a razor.  I stumbled outside and breathed the cold night’s air in.  I let it fill my lungs and course through my body, inside my veins and for a brief moment I felt pure and peaceful.  I felt a warm summer’s sun and saw the clear blue sky.  Everything was ok.  I opened my eyes and was brought immediately back to my sickly present.  With shaking hands I clutched the little bag and ran to my safety." 

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

Anger is like fuel. Keeps me going. Unrelenting at night when all I want is sleep.  And sleep, like a clenched fist ready to punch is full of tension and freakish dreams. You’re so far away and I’m stranded on this island of hate and daggers. I pull you out like a thorn in my side and I can’t stop bleeding and the world is fading, and I can’t see your face. Spinning. I smile at you, because if I don’t smile, I’ll punch a hole through your face. I bought new shoes to run away from rapists and your dollar sign eyes. Your laugh is like nails across a chalk board.  Your walk like an earthquake shattering everything in its path. Your insincerity makes me want to rip my insides out and throw them at you.  You’re poisonous gas, infecting everyone around you. Shape-shifter. I hate you. CUNT. It’s lost all meaning to me. It’s as sedate as TEDDY BEAR. Innocuous.  your airhead head bob. The fake gleam in your stupid eyes. And then paranoia seeps in like slow blood into my brain, delivering things that never were. And then I start suspecting everyone. I’m not afraid of you, you haven’t gotten me yet. But everything they say is a lie. There’s dark motives for every deceitful action. Where is my place? How will I grow? You’re suffocating me. I can’t pretend anymore. they’re hiding things from me. Tools I need. Things I need to know. A giant disconnect. We don’t even speak the same language anymore. there’s a cloud around you; there’s a cloud around me and we’re both blind. Unable to bridge the gap. And I’m afraid I’ll fall and you won’t catch me in time. And then what? Who will dig my remains from the bottom of the abyss?

“Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you” my face turns to ash when I step outside this room. The rays burn my skin and I’m fading away into a forgotten memory. There’s darkness that grabs me so tightly, leaves ugly marks on my body and scars my soul. It has your face on it. Unremitting and persistent. 

I’ve come accept that anger is a way of life. I’ll breathe through it, and when the destructive final wave comes, I’ll be ready for you.

Let's get one thing straight, I am not your friend. Don't joke with me. DON'T TOUCH ME. Don't pretend like you care or that you know me. I don't even want you to look at me. I regret the day you slithered into my life. Like a disease, you spill into my world, contaminating everything. And when they try to make it better, I bleed more.

"Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you?"

I'm full of blood. It's pouring out of my mouth. Through my fingertips and out of my  eyes. Dyes my hair  crimson. I want to brand you with the truth. Slice your body open to see what I'll find. Paper cuts and a black ocean.
When I finish  this cigarette, the world will end and I won't be able to breathe. I'm drowning in your darkness; lost without my umbrella.  You can't shield me forever.

"I hold no grudge
Deep inside me there's no regrets
But a gal who's been forgotten may forgive
But never once forget..."
The power of forgiveness; and I am weak. Fueled by hate and anger. Pill popping to stay sane. Up with the owls.
Your very presence mocks my existence. But I will survive you; bloodied and torn, I will have my revenge.

untitled, again.

Change, like a tidal wave that drowns me. leaves me angry. Anger sweeps me away in ways that are undefinable. In ways, that are all consuming. When I open my mouth, moths fly out and burn in the glare of the sun. There is deafening silence that obliterates everything else.  I used to keep a picture of you in my mind. When I try to recall the "why" there's a drawer full of ash. My brain, like a  clenched fist, so wrapped up in anger and hate, that words are replaced by fingers and sharp nails. Red streaks on your back and a punch to my stomach.  You've taken away my air. It's pouring and my umbrella is full of holes. Red is the colour of my revolution. "ne me quitte pas..."
"I bring you pearls made of rain from countries that don't have rain."
It's a crossroads at the gates of hell. Both ways lead to doom. How dramatic. Do you even know how to read poetry? Your facade is tiring. How many academy awards do you have?  I'd melt each one and dunk you in gold. Forever a golden goddess. At least then you won't harm anyone again. Where is my hatchet? I would bust you open and steal all your coins. If I start talking, I'll never stop and the words that will escape my mouth will taint everything and the world will change again. There is a sign above my head, it reads: it's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good." The letters are almost as faded as my  memory; of 4 lifetimes ago. When I ran with the dinosaurs. Even the T-Rex is graceful. But you, you're like a hornet's nest. Buzzing and conniving. Creating conflict, sucking air out of lungs that don't belong to you. "words like violence, break the silence. Come crashing in, into my little room." You're like an R rate movie, unfit for minors due to harsh language and violence. You are verbal violence. You violate everything. You've tainted paradise. You've broken all of them. And when they break, then what? Who will clean up the debris? Will you handle it with care? Or just sweep it away, into the landfill. Create a landmine with broken bodies? Orange juice and napalm. Everything I want to say is exploding in my mouth; over and over again. I have no teeth. I've swallowed so much blood, I need a Dr.

thing behind the sun...

it's funny how there are things that lurk in the back of my brain. things that nag and beg and plead. things that have no name, no emotion. but they're there. always humming some forgotten tune under the buzzing of the brain.

sometimes it feels like a ticking bomb ready to explode... severe all neurons and thoughts.

then that little faerie voice: i've done it before, i can do it again. i'm wiser now. it'll be easier.
and then the horrible what ifs start to cramp my style. like ugly liver stains on my porcelain skin they torture me.
the what ifs of my youth.

and now, in the midst of this quarter life crisis, there's an exit, blocked by security. blocked by familiarity, by settlement.

but my sense of adventure is alive and well. i am determined. i will fulfill my destiny.

"one day i'll fly away, say goodbye to yesterday..."

my moulin rouge awaits.