Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

Anger is like fuel. Keeps me going. Unrelenting at night when all I want is sleep.  And sleep, like a clenched fist ready to punch is full of tension and freakish dreams. You’re so far away and I’m stranded on this island of hate and daggers. I pull you out like a thorn in my side and I can’t stop bleeding and the world is fading, and I can’t see your face. Spinning. I smile at you, because if I don’t smile, I’ll punch a hole through your face. I bought new shoes to run away from rapists and your dollar sign eyes. Your laugh is like nails across a chalk board.  Your walk like an earthquake shattering everything in its path. Your insincerity makes me want to rip my insides out and throw them at you.  You’re poisonous gas, infecting everyone around you. Shape-shifter. I hate you. CUNT. It’s lost all meaning to me. It’s as sedate as TEDDY BEAR. Innocuous.  your airhead head bob. The fake gleam in your stupid eyes. And then paranoia seeps in like slow blood into my brain, delivering things that never were. And then I start suspecting everyone. I’m not afraid of you, you haven’t gotten me yet. But everything they say is a lie. There’s dark motives for every deceitful action. Where is my place? How will I grow? You’re suffocating me. I can’t pretend anymore. they’re hiding things from me. Tools I need. Things I need to know. A giant disconnect. We don’t even speak the same language anymore. there’s a cloud around you; there’s a cloud around me and we’re both blind. Unable to bridge the gap. And I’m afraid I’ll fall and you won’t catch me in time. And then what? Who will dig my remains from the bottom of the abyss?

“Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you” my face turns to ash when I step outside this room. The rays burn my skin and I’m fading away into a forgotten memory. There’s darkness that grabs me so tightly, leaves ugly marks on my body and scars my soul. It has your face on it. Unremitting and persistent. 

I’ve come accept that anger is a way of life. I’ll breathe through it, and when the destructive final wave comes, I’ll be ready for you.