fear

I worry that I'll push you away too much and you'll be lost to me forever. I hurl towards the point of no return. That small sane part of my brain, screaming hysterically to stop. Turn back now. Stop the madness... the giant insane part of my brain, the one that's in control ignores the cries. Laughing manically unable to stop; to think of the devistating consequences. And after the emotional hurricane, then what? When everything breaks down, and you're gone, then what?? Once it's over, it's over. I've crossed the line and there's no turning back.

"I lay there, under his grunts, moving out of sync with reality and nightmare.  His fingers were in my hair, then all over my body, touching me in a way that made me want to die.  He kept pushing harder, faster, deeper.  His hot breath on my face, in my ear, down my throat.  I could feel his heart beating against my chest, his weight crushed me, molded my shape into the mattress.  He was reaching his max, sweat splashed on me, and finally, he came.  Pouring himself into me like a disease.  He collapsed on me, breathing me in, heavily, barely able to ingest oxygen.  I pushed him off and wiped myself on the dirty bedspread.  He pointed lazily to the dresser, in there, he said breathlessly.  In the broken drawer was my reward, a small white package filled with redeeming powder.  Without so much as a word, I took it, got dressed and got the fuck out of dodge. 

            I carved my name in the sky.  Wrote my story in the stars and prayed for the great beyond to rescue me.  I finally sunk low.  I crossed the line in the sand, the truth I’d written in stone.  The smell was burned into my flesh and my memory was a razor.  I stumbled outside and breathed the cold night’s air in.  I let it fill my lungs and course through my body, inside my veins and for a brief moment I felt pure and peaceful.  I felt a warm summer’s sun and saw the clear blue sky.  Everything was ok.  I opened my eyes and was brought immediately back to my sickly present.  With shaking hands I clutched the little bag and ran to my safety."