something i wrote a while ago....

when i'm not ok, i write.  i need to get some of this out of me so that i don't go crazy... when the storm ends and calm settles in and all the badness is like a foggy dream and i re-read what i've written, i can't remember feeling so consumed.
i wrote this a while ago...

Mounting pressure.  Wind. Things sway and swing.  Heartbeats that threaten to break through skin and bone.  Tear flesh apart.  Screeching of old machines; something is swinging somewhere.  There is no sleep for the wicked.  I must be wicked then.  Endless nights pierced by sunny day; and they blend together like colours, swirling and making no sense.  I stopped making sense decades ago.  Trapped in a nightmare; fooled by unending illusion that only I believe.  If there is wind there is fear.  Impending doom.  SOMEONE HAS TO STOP IT!!! SOMETHING AWFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! QUICK, STOP IT! Outwardly so cool, calm and collected.  Once there was hope and art.  Music and colour.  Now monochromatic scenes and isolation.  Madness that grows unattended like weed. Long forgotten fame; notoriety.  Where did it go? Approaching an unmentioned age.  I’m new to the world, there’s endlessness for me.  Stuck in a rut.  Years... and now, you’re leaving.  And it’s hard to swallow.  We were never friends. You were like wind. Dangerous, seductive, necessary to live.  I can’t live without you... I can’t live without air.  I jump blindfolded into a strange abyss.  One that could ruin everything. Or present a solution ions in the making.  You don’t even look at me.  But they do; all the time.  They see everything.  I’m never alone.  I’m alone all the time.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I need a fresh start.  I’m caged in my skin.  I want to shut the world out for just a while...indulge in the silence of my room.  To bathe in the glow of my red mill.  End all thinking and all communicating.  Scream out to the world that I am the real mad hatter. I have several hats. Does vitamin D make you sane? Does its lack make you insane?  I need your attention.  Anyone’s attention...this mounting anger... fear... anxiety...one day I’ll implode... spontaneously combust...and when they cut me open, they’ll find glass and broken images of you...I’ll be hollow...when they crack my head open, all the darkness will spill out and erase any memory of who I was... who I was perceived to be... they’ll never know a monster walked among them.  All the things I want to say to you... they explode in my mouth; atom bombs in my head.  And you’re vanishing, disappearing forever and I don’t know what to do with that.  I already miss you.  I wish there wasn’t a disconnect.  I wish we were something like friends.