paranoia continued.

Dark clouds made it hard for outer space satellites to zoom in on her.  That’s why winter was her secret ally.  Obscured identity made life easier.  Tiny shock waves that created pulse in already dead sack of skin.  Something got in. Despite her precautions.  She was unsafe.  The feeling spread through her like sludge, started at the tip her head and slowly oozed down her face, stopping air.  Then down her shoulders, weighing her further down, immobilizing her arms and hands, and finally cementing her legs in one place. She couldn’t move or think.  Tears welled in her eyes she was debilitated by overwhelming fear and panic.  Brick wall. Brick wall. Brick wall. If she said it enough or thought it enough, she would be able to seal her mind in a strong cocoon of bricks.  Her head felt heavy, like a bag of rotten apples. The sweet and ugly smell of bad fruit engulfed her. She collapsed to the floor and for a small eternity was catatonic.  Unable to move or breathe; panic swept her again, it came in nauseating waves that were devastating.  If she stayed still maybe it would go away; it would stop and search for another brain to devour. She closed her eyes and tried to think of something nice; a different plane of existence someplace full of solace and peace. She tried to smile.  But didn’t remember how.

experimenting with words 2

I’m hurt! OK, is that what you want me to say? Fuck.

She turned from him and lit a cigarette. There was tense silence. He looked at her with a broken stare.

i... I why?

Because... I don’t know. Because I’m jealous and it drives me mad!

Why are you jealous?

Because things don’t come so easy to me, because I’m not such a fucking social butterfly! Because you look better than me naked! Do you need me to go on?!

Her face was flushed and ashes flew  around as if they were trapped in a morbid snow globe.

I never knew you felt that way. He said sheepishly.

Well... she started. I never wanted to believe that that’s where my anger toward you came from. I tried convincing myself it came from somewhere else, that it wasn’t anger...there was shame in her voice.

Would it help if I stopped shaving and gained 100LBs?

She smiled through the tears, yes.  They hugged and he whispered: you’re beautiful.

hate part 2

hate is a strong word... it means so much, especially if you really mean it; if it comes from a place of truth.
i can honestly say i have a raw hatred for few people.
i've recently come to realize that there are roots to my disdain for this particular person. at first i tried convincing myself that it was jealousy, that it was from my unending well of insecurity that manifested an unrelated hate toward this person. i was merely projecting my inability to fly through things. i didn't really hate this person, it was me.
i'm starting to think this isn't the case; this leads me to ask myself: am i creating holes or am i finally accepting ones that have already been there? maybe it's both. maybe it's a combination of the two.

the point is, i can't get away from this person... it's starting to seep into different elements of my life...there are other lines that are starting to blur and adding this on top... makes life confusing.

i'm so blinded by this anger and hate that... i don't know what to do with it. it's frustrating... maybe i should pick up kickboxing...

fragment.

You lied to me.

I never meant to hurt you.

Is that supposed to comfort me?

I could see the regret and pain in the eyes. It mirrored mine. I regretted the day we met. Every word we spoke. The exchange of fluids. 

Our eyes tried to re-connect. I couldn't look back. Look at anything but that direction.

So is this it?

I don't know. There was a dumb quality to the sound of my voice. I wasn't sure which emotion trumped which: anger or sadness.

I could hear the heavy breathing from that direction. I heard my heartbeat in my ears. It was ready to explode out of my chest; like the facehugger’s baby from Alien. I picked at my nails and wasn’t sure how to proceed. How do you end a lifelong obsession? It was like shedding wet skin that wasn’t ready to come off yet.

The air around me got tighter and I could feel breath on my neck, chin, lips. Resistance is futile.  Our lips connected through our tongues and there were sparks in the air. Fireworks exploding all around us and it was magic. Hands and fingers tangled in hair and tearing clothes off.

No. I had to put a stop to it before it became disastrous; too tragic to fix.

Why not? God, that tone was so fucking annoying.

Because I can’t.

Bullshit.

It’s complicated. Why is there doubt from that direction?

You’re making it complicated.

I don’t want to be your fuck buddy. I can’t keep doing this, it’s...

What?

It’s too fucking hard! Now I’m angry. And out of breath; I want to cry. Will that make it better?

Move closer.

I just want to hold you.

I can’t be around you anymore. I don’t know who you are.

I move away. The space around me closes in.

Stop.

What? Am I being challenged?

Stop coming so close to me. I need air.

You make me cum.

Stop. That’s vulgar.

I love you.

I can’t do this.

I close my eyes and there’s nothing. My memory has been wiped clean.

I hear the door close far away and it’s quiet. A deafening silence. I hate being alone.

Thankful...

here we are... and i'm in a particularly sappy mood...

also, i figured that after all the negativity, i should share something a little positive...

a little belated homage to thanksgiving... :)

here's what i'm thankful for:
the amazing group of people in my life... friends, family, people i work with...

i'm thankful for those around me who tolerate me, who check in, who notice when i'm not ok.
those who indulge in my crazy, and have the patience when obsession strikes...(and it strikes often and in magnitudes beyond this universe!)
i'm eternaly grateful for those who've taken me on... have the patience and time and want to nurture me, to set me straight and help me grow. help me evolve and develop. those who coach and those who listen.

 my family, who set me free and have given me the trust to be ok out in the world, far away from their nest.
for everyone in my life who allows me to be me and accept me and love me regardless of my many flaws...

i'm going to end here, b/c this is getting a little too sappy even for my taste. but those who've been mentioned here know who they are, and if you have any doubt, if you're in my life, you've touched me in ways that changed everything for the better.

thank you.

something i wrote a while ago....

when i'm not ok, i write.  i need to get some of this out of me so that i don't go crazy... when the storm ends and calm settles in and all the badness is like a foggy dream and i re-read what i've written, i can't remember feeling so consumed.
i wrote this a while ago...

Mounting pressure.  Wind. Things sway and swing.  Heartbeats that threaten to break through skin and bone.  Tear flesh apart.  Screeching of old machines; something is swinging somewhere.  There is no sleep for the wicked.  I must be wicked then.  Endless nights pierced by sunny day; and they blend together like colours, swirling and making no sense.  I stopped making sense decades ago.  Trapped in a nightmare; fooled by unending illusion that only I believe.  If there is wind there is fear.  Impending doom.  SOMEONE HAS TO STOP IT!!! SOMETHING AWFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! QUICK, STOP IT! Outwardly so cool, calm and collected.  Once there was hope and art.  Music and colour.  Now monochromatic scenes and isolation.  Madness that grows unattended like weed. Long forgotten fame; notoriety.  Where did it go? Approaching an unmentioned age.  I’m new to the world, there’s endlessness for me.  Stuck in a rut.  Years... and now, you’re leaving.  And it’s hard to swallow.  We were never friends. You were like wind. Dangerous, seductive, necessary to live.  I can’t live without you... I can’t live without air.  I jump blindfolded into a strange abyss.  One that could ruin everything. Or present a solution ions in the making.  You don’t even look at me.  But they do; all the time.  They see everything.  I’m never alone.  I’m alone all the time.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I need a fresh start.  I’m caged in my skin.  I want to shut the world out for just a while...indulge in the silence of my room.  To bathe in the glow of my red mill.  End all thinking and all communicating.  Scream out to the world that I am the real mad hatter. I have several hats. Does vitamin D make you sane? Does its lack make you insane?  I need your attention.  Anyone’s attention...this mounting anger... fear... anxiety...one day I’ll implode... spontaneously combust...and when they cut me open, they’ll find glass and broken images of you...I’ll be hollow...when they crack my head open, all the darkness will spill out and erase any memory of who I was... who I was perceived to be... they’ll never know a monster walked among them.  All the things I want to say to you... they explode in my mouth; atom bombs in my head.  And you’re vanishing, disappearing forever and I don’t know what to do with that.  I already miss you.  I wish there wasn’t a disconnect.  I wish we were something like friends. 

3 powerful quotes

1.I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know... that it's been there all along. Waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved.(the brave one, 2007)

2.Frankie: Why do you want to kill yourself sometimes?
Johnny: I want to kill myself sometimes when I think that I'm the only person in the world and that part of me that feels that way is trapped inside this body, that only bumps into other bodies, without ever connecting to the only other person in the world trapped inside of them. We have to connect. We just have to. (frankie and johnny, 1991)

3. I am. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid not to be alone. I'm afraid of what I am, what I'm not, what I might become, what I might never become. I don't want to stay at my job for the rest of my life but I'm afraid to leave. And I'm just tired, you know, I'm just so tired of being afraid.(frankie and johnny, 1991)

the veil has lifted...

feeling much better these days... the funk had ended. for now...

until the next time, i'm going to focus on the positive...create my own perfect situations and all that other sappy crap... ;)

other than the headaches... it's been a decent week... going back to working out next week... i'm going to buy some books too... get back to reading/writing... be all creative and full of muse...

the future is looking a little brighter today...

relevant quote: birds flying high you know how i feel. sun in the sky you know how i feel. breeze drifting on by, you know how i feel. it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, for me. and i'm feeling good. 
(n. simone).

sick and tired..

with the dawning of a new month... i'm going to make a difference...(yet again).

i'm sick and tired of being down... and being unhappy...

i'm not sure how to end this...i'm not sure what the root of the problem is...but something's gotta change...

well, here's to a happy ending...