what if...

it's rare that i sit down and think what if i'd made different choices in life.
but sometimes i do and it's crazy to think where i started out and where i ended.  i always thought that when i'd reach my 20s i'd be tall and thin and be very successful... i didn't know exactly how i'd be successful, but i knew i  would be.  i had this vague idea of a glamorous life and parties. i don't know where this came from, i'm not a party girl by any means...
i wonder what would my life look like had i stayed at home... served in the army and lived in another country... who would i be? what would i be doing with my life now?
i wonder if i went to a different university, different city... i wouldn't have met key people who brought to this present state... hmmm...
i'm sure i'd have met numerous other special people and have gone on to have amazing adventures too... no doubt...
i wonder where i'd get to had i pursued my true passion... had i run with the 'right' crowd... would i be living the high life? i see others, and they're not doing so well... big fish in small ponds.. wandering aimlessly from one party to another, in drunken haze of bodies and shakespear...the mysterious allure of the silver screen...the unyielding call of the siren... sometimes it's so loud it's like an aural earthquake in my head; a whirlwind of beckoning.  other times i can't understand that distant noise, it's like  i come out of a coma and can't understand anything. some foreign sight at the edge of reason, the edge of madness...
i'm happy with the way things turned out. i'm glad i got to meet the people who are in my life now. some more than others of course... ;)  i'm glad i ended up here... in this waste site of a city, a dump site of humans... where every day is a surprise happy meal where i don't know what kind of toy i win...

random quote: I felt dazed, like I just came out of a 4 hour movie I didn't understand.