hate...

there are people in my life that i hate. i'm sure everyone can relate to this... douchebags that weasel themselves into our consciousness and over the years they stay and we can't get rid of them.  some become frenemies, others, just annoying background music; ever present.

i have people in my life that i hate so much, the mere mention of their name ruins my day.  people i have absolutely no reason for hating.  people that need to be in my life for whatever reason, things i can't control.  the one person i'm thinking of probably has no concept... i don't think anyone knows. i deserve an academy for my brilliant performance...!! he's the quarterback... the star of the debate team.  the one who's first to volunteer and help out. a monster, my nightmare. when i think i'm rid of him, his name pops up, like a punch... like the oxygen being sucked out of my lungs. blood rushes to my head and i'm a raging bull. i would never admit it, but i hate him. with every pore of my being, with every ounce i can muster. that's a lie, i don't have to muster any hatred... it comes naturally to me.  he'll never be gone... ever.

the awful truth about me, is that i have no reason to hate him.  he's been nothing but borderline angelic.  always lending a hand, explaining, patient. supportive. does whatever he can to help.  i hate it when i need his help... being reduced to something so low...

it's like his success in life reflect my failures... he has my friends, he brain washes them... maybe that's it, they're all brain washed but me. i'm the only one that can see the truth... see the devil horns beyond the halo...?  maybe i'm just a small bitter and hateful chick... too wrapped up in anger to see light at the end of the tunnel; too raw to let it go, realize it has nothing to do with me. my backyard is clear. there are no clouds in my sky... but i can't let it go... haunting, disturbing and distracting. can anyone see past my shaky facade?
is the truth bubbling under the surface? does my voice betray me when i speak? do my eyes reveal the reality of my hatred? i guess i'll never know...

damn this mortal coil that exposes my flaws...