Sirens at dawn. Burning eyes. 200 channels are like the gospel; life altering and redeeming. Is it possible to focus? Eyes like fire; ready to fall out of head. A million things speeding things like a highway. A million crashes. A million dying dreams. And then what? Is there a happily ever after? Does anyone get to see it? Will I? How to survive each day? How to not give up and give in? Shut the world out and live in darkness and solitude. There’s a movie on tv about a girl who’s physically dying: from cancer. Sometimes I feel like I have emotional cancer. Ups and downs that are so drastic, so intense. And I can’t hide. Everyone can see through me. I can’t sleep anymore. maybe things will be better when winter hits; it always makes things better, more bearable. The decision to be happy isn’t as easy as it seems. I’ve tried. Just like I’ve tried being society’s version of normal. Some things just can’t be done, and it’s way easier to give up. To give in to the dark void that takes over. Fighting seems futile. Almost irresponsible. Because who knows what’ll happen when I come out of this; will I survive? At what cost? This silence is killing me.
Maybe next week I’ll claw my way out of this funk.
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