untitled 2

Sirens at dawn. Burning eyes. 200 channels are like the gospel; life altering and redeeming. Is it possible to focus? Eyes like fire; ready to fall out of head. A million things speeding things like a highway. A million crashes. A million dying dreams. And then what? Is there a happily ever after? Does anyone get to see it? Will I? How to survive each day? How to not give up and give in? Shut the world out and live in darkness and solitude. There’s a movie on tv about a girl who’s physically dying: from cancer. Sometimes I feel like I have emotional cancer. Ups and downs that are so drastic, so intense. And I can’t hide. Everyone can see through me. I can’t sleep anymore. maybe things will be better when winter hits; it always makes things better, more bearable.  The decision to be happy isn’t as easy as it seems. I’ve tried. Just like I’ve tried being society’s version of normal. Some things just can’t be done, and it’s way easier to give up. To give in to the dark void that takes over. Fighting seems futile. Almost irresponsible. Because who knows what’ll happen when I come out of this; will I survive? At what cost?  This silence is killing me.

Maybe next week I’ll claw my way out of this funk.

shutting the world out

that's exactly what i want to do right now...

i had one of the most awkward days... a splitting head ache all day...

i just want to sit and wallow for a day... shut everything out and sleep...

disconnect from the world...

ridiculous frustration....

you say all the words i don't want to hear...

you tell me stories about things that sting... things the burrow deep inside and don't let me rest...

you share with me things that have NOTHING to do with me... things that haunt me... things i try so desperately to get away from.

you try to offer comfort, but instead, i just want to pull away. shut you out and tell you to fuck off! i don't want to hear it!

other things are getting worse. things beyond my control... things that are so remote and so foreign to everyone...
things that are so profoundly devastating... things that i can't explain.

i wish there was an easy fix to my kind of brain damage...

if only...

paranoia part 1

Trying to sleep was like fighting a shark with one arm: useless. She got up and wandered the small apartment.  It was pitch black outside and there was nothing on TV. 200 channels and there was nothing to watch. She exhaled loudly. It was snowing. Too cold and wet to go outside; besides, who knew what kind of trouble was waiting for her there.  She searched the channels once again and looked over at her bookshelf. Read? Too tired. Her eyes burned and her head pounded. She tried to clear her mind in case anyone was trying to scan her brain and steal thoughts.  She tried to think of a brick wall surrounding her head: like the one in The Village of the Damned; like when Christopher Reeve had blocked his thoughts from the alien kids. The silence was awful. She turned on her computer and played some Nina Simone.  Nina would always calm the storm. Her music was so savage and raw. Stripped down and soothing.  She sang out racism and unending love; somehow she could relate. Even though they were generations apart dealing with two completely different things, the girl could relate to Nina’s sense of isolation and loneliness.

She was young, mid 20s.  Thin, short and paranoid. Her face constantly hidden behind a wall of red curls.  Avoiding eye contact was key; eyes were the windows to the soul.  If no one could look into her eyes, she was safe. Trust was such a luxury; she couldn’t remember the last time she trusted; anything: herself, her surrounding, her reality.  She lived in constant fear.  Agents were everywhere, always lurking in shadows and behind walls. In the air; tiny microscopic entities were hidden in molecules; sometimes she was afraid to breathe.  Night was ideal to do anything – she could hide in the darkness.  Day was too revealing.  She could easily be exposed and found out.  They’d take her away in a black windowless van and no one would ever know.  Not that there was anyone left to care.  She had wandered away from the humanity herd a long time ago.  Agents were shape shifters; they could pretend and morph and she was left defenceless against their power.  It happened so many times that she eventually dropped everyone and vanished. She surrendered herself to the night and to the devastating solitude.  Then it became second nature, being alone. Crowds raised her anxiety. So did cars and people with glasses.  After than it was families: the ultimate cover.  You couldn’t trust families at all because they worked at one giant organism that couldn’t be stopped.  Buses were dangerous because of the bacteria and the viruses, they could transmit things directly to her skin.  The air was full of transmitters. Her apartment always smelled of pine sol and vinegar.  The fumes they emitted killed off anything.  Nothing could survive in her clandestine environment.

untitled...

sometimes i think that if i post something on a public blog, or space... it's out in the universe, so it's not my problem anymore.  the universe will take care of it. it never ends up that way... it just gets worse, b/c the crazy comes out and takes over.

sometimes, i think, what if i quit my job, sold my condo and all my earthly possessions and committed myself. i'd keep my laptop and music. lock myself up in a padded room filled with nina simone.

or travel to paris, live in the shadow of the moulin rouge and bask in the madness that is my life.  write endless bad poetry and take up caffeine again.

would that make things better? would it make all the shit go away? b/c no matter what, it never gets better. nothing will make it better... i've realized that now and for that, have decided to take a vow of silence. things are better when i shut up. b/c if i talk, i'll never stop and all the ugliness will spill out of me in a violent gush of hatred.

maybe i need to stop the drama... b/c after all, it's all in my head... that's the sad reality... the obvious truth of my existence. there is nothing outside of my mind.

there is nothing...

reality

are you real?
i can't tell anymore.
am i?
who are you? talking to me from inside my head...?
when did this breakdown in communication happen? when did i forget how to smile?
bitterness and anger. that's all that's left in this shell.
there's nothing left to look forward to.
where did everyone go? were you ever there?
the curse of an overactive imagination...shit.
unable to break free of this rut. this cocoon of despair. ugh...

happiness

today it dawned on me that no matter where i am in life and no matter how well things are going, happiness is out of reach.

that being a neurotic jew isn't as glamorous as woody allen makes it out to be...

the mind is a terrible thing...

and i'm one hell of a moody chick... these ups and downs take such a toll....

sigh...

life...

i wish i lived somewhere else...

i wish i could be a bohemian living in the shadow of the moulin rouge.

i wish i could sit and light incense, listen to jazz and write... all night long... have an affair with the moon.

i wish i could stare out of my window and see the Eiffel tower...

i need a moon tattoo.. i need winter and the cold... my eternal lover....

everything smells better in winter...looks better... feels more authentic and raw.

i wish i could shut my brain off and stop letting facebook get to me.  i wish i could stop the world, get off for a while and get things sorted out.

i wish i had a do over in life... inject some freedom into the boredom.  what will they say when i die?

how will i survive when you go away?

sigh...

last words...

every time i talk to people who are far away, i try to remember their last words... i keep thinking, if i died... if they died... what memories would be left behind..?

sometimes i find myself being a little too preoccupied with death...
the ultimate finality... the end... there's no more..

i wonder who would come to my funeral, and what would they say... what lies, what truths....would anyone mourn? would there be mumbled 'good riddances?'

i wonder how i would react... would i be able to function? would life go on, or would i be stuck in the past... reliving painful memories and holding on to ghosts?

would i turn into a recluse, angry that no one understands my pain? because after all, i'm the only one trapped in this nightmare... right? no one else can possibly understand what this is like....(story of my life...)

oh the morbidity that is the dark side of my brain... i'll let it rest for now...

hate...

there are people in my life that i hate. i'm sure everyone can relate to this... douchebags that weasel themselves into our consciousness and over the years they stay and we can't get rid of them.  some become frenemies, others, just annoying background music; ever present.

i have people in my life that i hate so much, the mere mention of their name ruins my day.  people i have absolutely no reason for hating.  people that need to be in my life for whatever reason, things i can't control.  the one person i'm thinking of probably has no concept... i don't think anyone knows. i deserve an academy for my brilliant performance...!! he's the quarterback... the star of the debate team.  the one who's first to volunteer and help out. a monster, my nightmare. when i think i'm rid of him, his name pops up, like a punch... like the oxygen being sucked out of my lungs. blood rushes to my head and i'm a raging bull. i would never admit it, but i hate him. with every pore of my being, with every ounce i can muster. that's a lie, i don't have to muster any hatred... it comes naturally to me.  he'll never be gone... ever.

the awful truth about me, is that i have no reason to hate him.  he's been nothing but borderline angelic.  always lending a hand, explaining, patient. supportive. does whatever he can to help.  i hate it when i need his help... being reduced to something so low...

it's like his success in life reflect my failures... he has my friends, he brain washes them... maybe that's it, they're all brain washed but me. i'm the only one that can see the truth... see the devil horns beyond the halo...?  maybe i'm just a small bitter and hateful chick... too wrapped up in anger to see light at the end of the tunnel; too raw to let it go, realize it has nothing to do with me. my backyard is clear. there are no clouds in my sky... but i can't let it go... haunting, disturbing and distracting. can anyone see past my shaky facade?
is the truth bubbling under the surface? does my voice betray me when i speak? do my eyes reveal the reality of my hatred? i guess i'll never know...

damn this mortal coil that exposes my flaws...

what if...

it's rare that i sit down and think what if i'd made different choices in life.
but sometimes i do and it's crazy to think where i started out and where i ended.  i always thought that when i'd reach my 20s i'd be tall and thin and be very successful... i didn't know exactly how i'd be successful, but i knew i  would be.  i had this vague idea of a glamorous life and parties. i don't know where this came from, i'm not a party girl by any means...
i wonder what would my life look like had i stayed at home... served in the army and lived in another country... who would i be? what would i be doing with my life now?
i wonder if i went to a different university, different city... i wouldn't have met key people who brought to this present state... hmmm...
i'm sure i'd have met numerous other special people and have gone on to have amazing adventures too... no doubt...
i wonder where i'd get to had i pursued my true passion... had i run with the 'right' crowd... would i be living the high life? i see others, and they're not doing so well... big fish in small ponds.. wandering aimlessly from one party to another, in drunken haze of bodies and shakespear...the mysterious allure of the silver screen...the unyielding call of the siren... sometimes it's so loud it's like an aural earthquake in my head; a whirlwind of beckoning.  other times i can't understand that distant noise, it's like  i come out of a coma and can't understand anything. some foreign sight at the edge of reason, the edge of madness...
i'm happy with the way things turned out. i'm glad i got to meet the people who are in my life now. some more than others of course... ;)  i'm glad i ended up here... in this waste site of a city, a dump site of humans... where every day is a surprise happy meal where i don't know what kind of toy i win...

random quote: I felt dazed, like I just came out of a 4 hour movie I didn't understand.

new obsession: law and order: SVU ep. Behave.

this week's svu was AMAZING... i won't delve into details, but it was making a statement about the serious back log of rape kits in the US.  it's alarming to think how many rapists go free b/c kits aren't being tested. how many lives are kept on hold b/c the crime isn't solved. i can't imagine going through something so traumatic and horrible as rape and then have to sit through an exam (that takes up to 6 hours) where i'd be re-violated and re-traumatized, only to be told that it's going to be sitting on a shelf.  these people wait for years without any resolution, without any chance of being able to move on.  jennifer love hewitt described it as stunted growth:emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. and the sad reality, is that society always teaches women how to stay home, not go out late at night. no one tells men not to rape, no one sits little boys down and tells them that hitting a girl (or anyone for that matter) is wrong.  this notion infuriates me! i used to wander around at all hours of the night when i couldn't sleep; and i would always worry, if something were to happen, would they blame me? would i be deemed less of a victim, b/c of the choices i made? b/c even if i took every precaution, i'd still be blamed, there's always a blame factor in sex crimes.i had an argument several years ago when a guy was saying that some women deserve to be raped b/c of the choices they make: his example was women walking through dangerous areas should know better and avoid those areas.  if i didn't have any restraint, i'd punch him in the baby maker (and blame him for it).  my retort (in a nutshell) was this: there are drunk drivers in this world. but would that stop you from driving? if you got hit by a drunk driver, would you be blamed? of course not! an even better example is liquor stores; they are notorious for being robbed, and a lot of times store owners keep weapons on site.  when they get robbed and wound/kill the perp, no one ever blames the store owner for defending his store. then why do we blame women for being raped? does it matter what they wear or how much they've had to drink? canadian law states that consent must be given in order to engage in sexual acts: if you're too intoxicated, you can't give consent: it's not a matter of no means no... it's more of a yes means yes.  (another reason why i love this wonderful country).
i feel like there is such a culture of silence around rape, it's still such a taboo, that no one wants to talk about it... well, i say, enough! i say fuck the shame, and secrecy... people need to speak out! scream out the awful truth until the world stops and listens...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoTBd86mGiY&feature=PlayList&p=95FD14FA8335101D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=77

powerful link...