rant/confession...

first the confession: i recently realized that when it comes to certain people, i get so insanely jealous... and i really have no reason to be jealous... it's like a giant gaping insecurity hole that sucks in everything and just spews and manifests the negativity... hmmm... i need to work on that...and i try to over-compensate for it and i wonder if anyone can see through it... b/c what ends up happening, is HATE... i begin to hate people, who didn't really do anything at all...and then i start to distance myself and try to convince myself that i don't care and this has nothing to do with me, or them, b/c they woke up and did their thing and here i am, in my little imaginary world full of anger and hate and bad vibes...for no reason... at all!! it's been a while since i sat down and entertained the thought that something was wrong with me...

rant:
i LOVE my job. i love the people i work with.  my job is the best thing that's happened to me in recent years; again w/ the cliches, but it's true. i've grown and evolved and had an amazing team that supported me.  if something was wrong, someone noticed... my boss once said to me: i am your supporter and your defender...and i'm sure she meant it.  it was one of most powerful things anyone has said to me.  i used to work for satan.  the world's worst corporation.  a place that told me everyday that i was replaceable, that if i didn't like it, i could leave (actually, my one douchebag manager yelled this at me once...) it was a place that killed me a little every day; by the time i left, there was nothing left to die... i became jaded, cynical and angry.  it's been 2.5 years since i left and i'm still CONSUMED by anger...unimaginable anger and hatred and genuine repulsion... it's so dramatic it's almost comical. someone said to me once: if it wasn't so tragic, it'd be funny... i know... i have to "laugh to keep from crying but i need a crowbar to dislodge this wad of pain.."
after i left, i realized just what a shithole it was.  the inappropriate behaviours, the comments, the rules, the mistrust, the dumbing down of tasks, the lack of autonomy, the complete and utter sense of dead endness... it was depressing.  and there was nowhere to channel that...i was stuck in a rut and there was no way out...everyone seemed to get sucked in and none of us could leave...i finally left.  i try to fuck them over any/every chance i get... i have unending loathing...when i'm near that place, i abandon all vestiges of civility; i become an asshole, b/c that's what happens when people are in the vicinity of that building...it sucks you in and spits you out covered in slime. and you can't shake it off, and you can't let it go...