if i could turn back time...

very rarely do i wish i could take something back... i'm not full of regrets...today i did something that made me feel like the size of a grain of sand... i did something i promised myself i wouldn't do...it just burst out of me in some hideous wave of insecurity... it created such an awkward moment...one full of stupid words filling horrible silence...i don't want to get into what it was, but it just came out wrong and against all my better judgment..came out... ugh... made me feel so small and stupid and out of place...
i think the thing that upsets me most about this incident is that it brings out this ugliness...like i feel that i constantly need to prove myself... to carve out this new identity and rebuild my credibility...to find an oasis in the middle of the desert...
i hate comparing myself to others... it's the lowest of the lows. it's the worst thing you can do to yourself...the constant feeling and notion that you're just not good enough...

 i am invisible...

no matter how loudly i scream, i remain invisible... a mute to the world.
FREAK.
i am a freak...when i leave the perimeters of my bubble, the world sees my flaws...a crowd gathers around me, points and laughs... nags... taunts... teases... and suddenly, i'm not invisible anymore... and i hate being seen... i want to retreat to my sanctuary... my safe domain... my house of dreams...
no one understands... and that hurts...