god, i love my job...

today a resident came in and claimed this woman was his "worker."  i knew he was allowed to have someone up there, but the woman he presented was not the same one he was allowed to take up with him. 

we think she's a sad prostitute (and by we, i mean me).

last week i had to patch a guy's arm... it was SLICED open and gushing blood...

the day before that, i had to deal w/ ems.

never a dull moment... when all is said and done... life's pretty fantastic.

in other new:
my bedroom has finally been redone (after some seriously gross looking water damage).  i had to sleep on my futon for 2 days... and couldn't sleep... and blah...

my house now smells of paint... i need to buy some apple/Cinnamon oil stick things... and get a hair cut.. and a dye job...

i have a 3 day wknd coming and i have NOTHING to do w/ my time...i sense a californication marathon coming on...

and that's it for now.

random quote: the course of true love... gathers no moss...

insomnia...

another sleepless night... i hate being bedless... and angry...

ugh... stupid brain that doesn't shut off and just keep rambling things that don't matter...

another day in paradise...

angry and hurt...

i guess it's time to bottle up those emotions again and let it fester...

there's nothing i can about this sinking feeling... there's no one to confront, there's no one to confide in...

i'll just have to suffer in silence until it goes away and i'll move on to the next phase...

this stinks...

if the x-files have taught me anything valuable, it's: trust no one....


sigh... grrrrrr.....

reflections...

i fucking hate people sometimes... i hate when people are douchebags... and no one sees it... like they're on some fucking pedestal...and only you can see through their fascade...

i'm madly in love with a douchebag...despite everything... ugh...


i'm an insanely negative person... angry, negative, morbid...hmm.... i can almost pin point the moment it all crashed and exploded in my face...

if i could turn back time...

very rarely do i wish i could take something back... i'm not full of regrets...today i did something that made me feel like the size of a grain of sand... i did something i promised myself i wouldn't do...it just burst out of me in some hideous wave of insecurity... it created such an awkward moment...one full of stupid words filling horrible silence...i don't want to get into what it was, but it just came out wrong and against all my better judgment..came out... ugh... made me feel so small and stupid and out of place...
i think the thing that upsets me most about this incident is that it brings out this ugliness...like i feel that i constantly need to prove myself... to carve out this new identity and rebuild my credibility...to find an oasis in the middle of the desert...
i hate comparing myself to others... it's the lowest of the lows. it's the worst thing you can do to yourself...the constant feeling and notion that you're just not good enough...

 i am invisible...

no matter how loudly i scream, i remain invisible... a mute to the world.
FREAK.
i am a freak...when i leave the perimeters of my bubble, the world sees my flaws...a crowd gathers around me, points and laughs... nags... taunts... teases... and suddenly, i'm not invisible anymore... and i hate being seen... i want to retreat to my sanctuary... my safe domain... my house of dreams...
no one understands... and that hurts...

rant/confession...

first the confession: i recently realized that when it comes to certain people, i get so insanely jealous... and i really have no reason to be jealous... it's like a giant gaping insecurity hole that sucks in everything and just spews and manifests the negativity... hmmm... i need to work on that...and i try to over-compensate for it and i wonder if anyone can see through it... b/c what ends up happening, is HATE... i begin to hate people, who didn't really do anything at all...and then i start to distance myself and try to convince myself that i don't care and this has nothing to do with me, or them, b/c they woke up and did their thing and here i am, in my little imaginary world full of anger and hate and bad vibes...for no reason... at all!! it's been a while since i sat down and entertained the thought that something was wrong with me...

rant:
i LOVE my job. i love the people i work with.  my job is the best thing that's happened to me in recent years; again w/ the cliches, but it's true. i've grown and evolved and had an amazing team that supported me.  if something was wrong, someone noticed... my boss once said to me: i am your supporter and your defender...and i'm sure she meant it.  it was one of most powerful things anyone has said to me.  i used to work for satan.  the world's worst corporation.  a place that told me everyday that i was replaceable, that if i didn't like it, i could leave (actually, my one douchebag manager yelled this at me once...) it was a place that killed me a little every day; by the time i left, there was nothing left to die... i became jaded, cynical and angry.  it's been 2.5 years since i left and i'm still CONSUMED by anger...unimaginable anger and hatred and genuine repulsion... it's so dramatic it's almost comical. someone said to me once: if it wasn't so tragic, it'd be funny... i know... i have to "laugh to keep from crying but i need a crowbar to dislodge this wad of pain.."
after i left, i realized just what a shithole it was.  the inappropriate behaviours, the comments, the rules, the mistrust, the dumbing down of tasks, the lack of autonomy, the complete and utter sense of dead endness... it was depressing.  and there was nowhere to channel that...i was stuck in a rut and there was no way out...everyone seemed to get sucked in and none of us could leave...i finally left.  i try to fuck them over any/every chance i get... i have unending loathing...when i'm near that place, i abandon all vestiges of civility; i become an asshole, b/c that's what happens when people are in the vicinity of that building...it sucks you in and spits you out covered in slime. and you can't shake it off, and you can't let it go...

sigh...

obsession.

that's the only word apt enough to describe it.

morning/noon/night...

in my dreams, my nightmares.

you're the worst thing that's every happened to me.

2 random quotes

who are you carrying all those bricks for? God? is that it, God? well, i tell ya, let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. he's a prankster. think about it, he gives man instincts, he gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does he do? i swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag-reel, he sets the rules in opposition. it's the goof of all time. look, but don't touch. touch, but don't taste. taste, but don't swallow. and while you're jumping from one foot to the next, what's he doing? he's laughing his sick fucking ass off! he's a tight ass, a sadist! he's an absentee landlord! worship that? NEVER! (Devil's Advocate, 1997)

Isn't it funny. i'm enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. love is temperamental. tiring. it makes demands. love uses you. changes it's mind.
...but hatred, now. that's something you can use. sculpt. wield. it's hard or soft, however you need it. love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you. it's so soothing. i feel infinitely better now.
... love's an illusion. it's a dream you wake up from with an enormous hangover and net credit debt. i'd rather have cash. (white oleander, fitch)

the beginning.

It was well after three am.  Closer to four probably.  Wally had my hand, and I didn’t know whose hand was clammy; mine or his.  We were taking turns leading each other down dark alleyways where couples were having rough sex against dirty walls.  Junkies performed sex acts for money or drugs, I glared in disgust.  I would never sink so low… we went up a flight of stairs and the building smelled like a cheap motel; bad vibes hanging in the air like angry clouds.  How did we get here?  We sold our car close to a year ago, now.  Seven months ago, we collected dead alley cats for a dark figure for $500.  We didn’t ask what he did with them.  All we cared about was the money.  I heard screaming and moaning.  Furniture crashing and someone’s being murdered.  Or having mind blowing sex.  I counted five light bulbs on the ceiling, only one lit the hallway, casting ugly shadows.  Shapeless stains adorn the walls and floors, and I know for sure one pile in the middle of the patterned carpet is vomit.  The corridor was endless and we’d been walking it for centuries.  A tall thin man who looked like death’s older brother skulked by, mumbling incoherently, and for a brief sober moment I was scared.  I squeezed Wally’s hand.

            This is the wrong floor, whispers to no one in particular, including me.  Or the wrong building.  He looked around, never letting go of my hand.  I let my self be lead around, trailing aimlessly behind him.  And we were outside again.  I couldn’t feel the cold, even though I could see my breath.  I was still riding the purple dragon, sailing across a sea of booze.  My ship was made of cotton candy and gravy.  Once on the street my breath melded with the fog that had covered the city, like a giant sheep, the streets were white with random blotches of gray and black.  Alien shapes and noises, time and space moving in opposite directions.  I lost track of Wally.  I reached for him.  Nothing.  I then realized he was behind me.  We started walking again, down darker alleyways where the silence was interrupted by eerie sounds that didn’t connect with my brain.  I heard the sweaty grunts of a fat guy.  We passed a couple fucking with such urgency, I thought they would break through the wall into another dimension.  The girl couldn’t have been more than 15.  Our eyes connected and she smiled – a drunken smile that told me she’d be sore tomorrow.  I pictured her veins, open and flowing with life and death, with the cool feeling that made her glow in the night and proclaimed her queen of the world.  Her tiara made of clandestine needles and diamonds.  Wally pulled me away and advised me not to look at anyone and avoid eye contact, to keep my stare down and disappear.  He didn’t realize that that’s how I felt.  All the time.  I wake up and I have to look in the mirror to make sure I’m still there.  Sometimes it takes me over an hour to find my reflection.  But every time I get high I find a missing piece; an ear, a nose.  A fraction of a soul.  Did that girl need to sleep with that man to find herself? Or did she drown looking for that next fix?  Wally tugged at my arm again, and I tripped and fell into his abdomen.  Be careful, he hissed at me.  Was he scared? Angry? Suffering from a moment of clarity and purity, that time when the drugs almost drain from your system and you start to worry that if you don’t get another gig, reality will set in and it will shatter you.  You’ll become immobilized and so scared that you can’t feel anything but pain.  A pain so profound you can barely breathe, and your next move is to destroy everything in your path.  Because through destruction of the exterior your insides can find peace.  The rage is soothing and you find comfort in that anger.  I hadn’t reached that part yet, and I was blissfully ignorant of my surroundings and the point of our mission, and I just followed Wally, trusting him completely.  I was two sided and numb and someone was screaming in the distance.  Something about being a whore and motherfucker and that this was bullshit.  Then I heard gunshots and then silence.  A dog barked in the distance.  Why were we walking so much?  I was suddenly aware of my body.  My legs were bad milk – not quite liquid or yogurt.  I liked my bra; it held me tight and secure like a bullet proof vest.  My feet were wet. Why? Was it raining? I looked around and saw nothing but darkness and wisps of fog trailing our steps, trying to envelop us in a white cocoon of nothingness.  If we were fast enough, we’d avoid it.  Would we make it back to our apartment, or would the fog get us?

it's a new dawn, it's a new day.

i used to have a blog way back when, almost an entire lifetime ago... It was a time full of adventures, movies, crazy and all that other good stuff...I'm in that rut again, where I'm unhappy w/ the way life is going.  I stayed too long today and vocalized things that never should have been.  I'm going to stop living in the past. I NEED to "be the architect of my own happiness" and it all starts now. Now is the time to get shit done! I know, I sound like a fucking after school special, or an NA prayer circle jerk... but it's true: it's time to take life by the balls.

Tomorrow, life begins again.

random quote: nothing takes the past away, like the future. nothing makes the darkness go, like the light.