musings on a rainy night.

I learn to run. I try to run away. No matter how hard I push, you’re on my heels.

I’m stranded on this island. Alone.

You drop bombshells on my head. Brain and skull fragments rain all over this place. I walk around exploding with your secrets.

Are you telling me the truth? Sometimes I can’t tell. I stare into your eyes and all I can see is space.

I need you more than you need me. That’s a fact.

There’s a war raging inside of me. It’s tearing me apart. This face is cracking. Threatening to flood.

Evil is like second nature. It comes too easily.

I thought I was over you. I had put you away. Locked in a room full of dragons. How did you survive? How did you manage your way around my brain? Twisted veins and dark matter. Black.

If you saw who I really was, you’d be petrified with horror. I’d leak out some guilt and pretend to be horrified too. Then you would be scarred like me. We’d be matching monsters. Hiding under beds of small children.

What can you tell me about the end of the world? I’ve seen it. I’ve felt the harsh darkness on my skin. Did it all happen? Was it a dream? A sick reality? Who knows. I’m not sure of anything anymore.

I’ve walked hand in hand with the devil. He’s such a seductive bastard. I can’t resist his wiles. He lures me in and makes me do things that stain my heart. He leaves black marks on my arms.

I start a revolution every day. I fail every day. My biggest triumph is managing to get out of bed. Waking up and drawing breath. That in itself is an accomplishment. That’s your biggest downfall. If you ceased to breathe, I would have more air. The world would be safe again. Can’t you see it? Can’t anyone see it?

You ask me questions. And I’m so ashamed to admit the answers. If I tell you the truth, you’ll see me in a different light. I can’t have that. I can barely admit to myself the reality of my actions.  The reasoning behind it. Baseless. Lacking in motivation.

Secrets like a volcano bubbling in my mouth. I want to tell you. But what will you think? I tell you everything. Do you secretly judge me? You hide it so well. I don’t ask questions, because I’m afraid of the replies.

Rain cuts the humidity. I need something to cut my crazy. Use a sledgehammer.

I wake up, stuffed into this nightmare. Where is the way out? How do I end this? There are too many illogical thoughts spinning in my head. Makes me sick. Nausea is like a permanent staple in my daily diet. I feel like Linda Blair sometimes. Possessed. Unable to control myself.

Will you be there when I bottom out?