exploding

I'm holding a handful of grenades. You're holding the pins. Can't you see that this will destroy me? Can't you see me?
I tried controlling it. I really did. It ate me alive. It bubbled to the surface of my being, and then, like a volcano gushed out.  It obliterated everything. I can't breathe. YOU.

I can't stand it anymore.

I can't take it.

It's exploding in my mouth. It's a million little things. It how you pronounce my name. You steal my air.

"Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace...

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides...
I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me...

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe..."


For the first time, I can't stand to hear your name. If I told you the truth, I would be covered in shame. Humiliation and embarrassment at what I really feel.


I want to tear my face off. Rip my being to shreds and sew it back together to see if it will work better once broken. Do you have a needle? Your breath is a sledgehammer.

When you mention that name. Jealousy rages like a wild monster. Maybe that reflects who I am. I need to claim ownership over you. Maybe then I'll feel better. If I know that I'm in control.

I sit in the dark listening to Regina Spektor and wonder what inspires her. Her words are like the wisdom of the past one thousand years. Her voice is like pure silk. It wraps me up and whisks me away to a place so serene and calm, I can almost see clearly. It gets a little easier to breathe. The pounding in my head subsides.

But then...


I tried so hard to control it...