The beat that ruined the void.

It started with one beat. Before that, there was nothing. A hollowness that was the way it was. There was no thought into it. There was nothing there and that was that. But then, one day, out of the blue, there was a beat; that fatal movement in that always empty space. It changed everything. There was permission. Someone listened long enough to care. After that, nothing was ever the same again. Feelings roared like gushing white waters through and there was no denying it anymore. The realization was awful; like a God's light suddenly lit every dark crevice.  There were no words.

Fast forward.

It was happening again. It took every bit of energy to stop that damned beat. To empty that chest cavity. Change was a destructive force that ruined the routine. That someone new was evil.  All those hushed rumours. As always, there was a reluctance to adapt, to conform.  No choice led to patience, which led to understanding and that led further down a dark road that's ending could bring about the apocalypse. I still can't call you a friend.

When you saw me like that, I was devastated.  When you looked at me and I knew what you saw and how you saw it, I died inside. When I had to admit to it out loud, it was unbearable.  With that simple gesture you changed everything. Words drilled into me like chainsaws cutting through all the bullshit I surrounded myself with. Patience is a virtue. Does anyone know that more than you?

As far as first dates, I didn't know what to expect. Face aching from smiles. You smelled so nice. You said things that no one's ever said to me; made me feel beautiful for the first time. Instead of basking in that warmth, I thought about what a cliche we are. How pathetic I was for letting you boost my self esteem. Teetering on that tight rope between agony and ecstasy; I can't deny how I feel anymore.

And before you, there was her; enchantress. I was bewitched. Blood coursed thick and hard in my veins when she walked by. Her smile, her eyes. Oh God. Staring at her was like starting at the sun; my eyes burned and my head ached. I could bear anything as long as she was around. She was a good reason to get up every morning and function.  I'm so sick.