fear

I worry that I'll push you away too much and you'll be lost to me forever. I hurl towards the point of no return. That small sane part of my brain, screaming hysterically to stop. Turn back now. Stop the madness... the giant insane part of my brain, the one that's in control ignores the cries. Laughing manically unable to stop; to think of the devistating consequences. And after the emotional hurricane, then what? When everything breaks down, and you're gone, then what?? Once it's over, it's over. I've crossed the line and there's no turning back.

"I lay there, under his grunts, moving out of sync with reality and nightmare.  His fingers were in my hair, then all over my body, touching me in a way that made me want to die.  He kept pushing harder, faster, deeper.  His hot breath on my face, in my ear, down my throat.  I could feel his heart beating against my chest, his weight crushed me, molded my shape into the mattress.  He was reaching his max, sweat splashed on me, and finally, he came.  Pouring himself into me like a disease.  He collapsed on me, breathing me in, heavily, barely able to ingest oxygen.  I pushed him off and wiped myself on the dirty bedspread.  He pointed lazily to the dresser, in there, he said breathlessly.  In the broken drawer was my reward, a small white package filled with redeeming powder.  Without so much as a word, I took it, got dressed and got the fuck out of dodge. 

            I carved my name in the sky.  Wrote my story in the stars and prayed for the great beyond to rescue me.  I finally sunk low.  I crossed the line in the sand, the truth I’d written in stone.  The smell was burned into my flesh and my memory was a razor.  I stumbled outside and breathed the cold night’s air in.  I let it fill my lungs and course through my body, inside my veins and for a brief moment I felt pure and peaceful.  I felt a warm summer’s sun and saw the clear blue sky.  Everything was ok.  I opened my eyes and was brought immediately back to my sickly present.  With shaking hands I clutched the little bag and ran to my safety." 

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

Anger is like fuel. Keeps me going. Unrelenting at night when all I want is sleep.  And sleep, like a clenched fist ready to punch is full of tension and freakish dreams. You’re so far away and I’m stranded on this island of hate and daggers. I pull you out like a thorn in my side and I can’t stop bleeding and the world is fading, and I can’t see your face. Spinning. I smile at you, because if I don’t smile, I’ll punch a hole through your face. I bought new shoes to run away from rapists and your dollar sign eyes. Your laugh is like nails across a chalk board.  Your walk like an earthquake shattering everything in its path. Your insincerity makes me want to rip my insides out and throw them at you.  You’re poisonous gas, infecting everyone around you. Shape-shifter. I hate you. CUNT. It’s lost all meaning to me. It’s as sedate as TEDDY BEAR. Innocuous.  your airhead head bob. The fake gleam in your stupid eyes. And then paranoia seeps in like slow blood into my brain, delivering things that never were. And then I start suspecting everyone. I’m not afraid of you, you haven’t gotten me yet. But everything they say is a lie. There’s dark motives for every deceitful action. Where is my place? How will I grow? You’re suffocating me. I can’t pretend anymore. they’re hiding things from me. Tools I need. Things I need to know. A giant disconnect. We don’t even speak the same language anymore. there’s a cloud around you; there’s a cloud around me and we’re both blind. Unable to bridge the gap. And I’m afraid I’ll fall and you won’t catch me in time. And then what? Who will dig my remains from the bottom of the abyss?

“Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you” my face turns to ash when I step outside this room. The rays burn my skin and I’m fading away into a forgotten memory. There’s darkness that grabs me so tightly, leaves ugly marks on my body and scars my soul. It has your face on it. Unremitting and persistent. 

I’ve come accept that anger is a way of life. I’ll breathe through it, and when the destructive final wave comes, I’ll be ready for you.