untitled.

Suddenly it’s real. The stuff nightmares are made of. The stuff my nightmares are made of.

Abandonment. I know it’s not real. I know it’s not about me. I know. I am aware.

I push everyone away, because they can’t possibly understand. They have no idea. I’m the centre of the world.

The mere mention of certain names sends me into a frenzy.

I fill my head with black. With horrible images. With things that no one dares to watch. I fill my head with lies and fairy tales. I put a mask on. I put sunglasses on so you won’t be able to see my eyes. I struggle to hide the truth. I fail miserably. You see right through me like glass. And I hate you. I don’t want to be near you. You’re like a toxin. Hazardous to my brain. You’re hazardous to my health. You are dangerous to my mental well being. I used to be sane. I used to be quirky and weird. Now, on the brink of mental breakdown. Is there a cure? If I start to talk, I’ll never stop. I afraid of what might escape my mouth. What secrets will I spill? And once it’s out there, I can’t undo it and things will be forever changed. And then what?

This thing won’t let me go. Whatever small fragment of my soul is left, it’s strangled by this haunting image and idea. It won’t relent and I’m so dangerously drawn to it. I try to fill my head with music. Dead silence. This shattering change will be the end of me. In constant search. Trying to desperately find a way out. There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel. There is no voice of reason. I will never see you again. And then it will change. Forever. If I built a time machine will that make everything ok again?

Disjointed and dismembered. Discoloured and silent. Whispers along the edges of my brain say things I don’t want to hear. Truths I will never acknowledge. Fumbling towards an uncertain future and maybe change. Who will I be on the other side? Will you recognize me? Will I recognize you? Will we speak the same language? You’re fading away so fast. I have no air. There are no words to describe the inner workings of my brain. A mess of blood, horror and confusion. I try to recall every movie I’ve ever seen that shook me to the core. I try to watch a sitcom and find some humour in it. I try to cleanse what’s remained of my soul.

Unable to sleep at night. Hour after hour and there’s no release from this. I don’t make sense anymore and everyone pisses me off. I want to sell all my worldly possessions, quit my job and lock myself away in a room. Listen to Nina Simone. Get lost in her honey voice.

Sometimes I pray for the courage to break down. ..