Suddenly the world became a real enemy. Everyone had a secret motive to attack. It wasn’t so secretive; I found them out. I found them all out! There were microchips in my cereal; cameras everywhere. The TV was looking back at me. I turned it off. I turned the computer off. If I shut off all the electronics, I would be safe; they wouldn’t be able to find me. To spy. To get inside my head. I turned the phone off. I couldn’t stand the ringing sound. It was like a demonic drill – working furiously to get to the centre of my brain. I could hide in the dark. Black and red are safe colours. I can trust black and red. I can’t trust you. You’re one of them. You’re out to get me. You sneeze on me to poison me. You send evil vibes and you mutter about me behind my back. But I know all about you. You don’t fool me. There was a knock on the door. My heart left from my chest and out my mouth. It lay dead and moist on my carpet; pulsating like a horror freak from a David Lynch movie. I turned off all the lights and crouched down and away from the door. There was another knock – pounding. They were here. How did they find me? I stared at my heart on the floor and I couldn’t breathe. I held it in my hands, and it was slippery, still throbbing and squirting blood. Another knock. I could feel it inside my head; behind my eyes.
GO AWAY!
POUND! POUND! POUND!
STOP! GO AWAY! I DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Silence. But no safety. My heart beating in my hands, my pulse rushing all over me and there’s an endless flow of blood all over the walls. I can’t breathe. There’s thunder in my ears. I sit low and engulfed on the floor of my bedroom, far away from the door. Doors scare me. The sound people make on the other side; the people waiting on the other side.
POUND! POUND! POUND! Someone’s turning the handle. Trying to break it. If I wasn’t so dehydrated, I would pee my pants overcome with fear and anxiety.
NO! GO AWAY! WHAT DO YOU WANT? PLEASE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! Oh god, they’re trying to break in... !!! there’s nowhere to hide...
I contemplate jumping out, but I have no shoes and I live on the 10th floor. If I jump I’ll die. If I stay, I’ll be kidnapped. Brain napped. Hauled away to a secret laboratory and experimented on. Who knows what the end result will be. They keep telling me it’s not real. I keep telling me it’s not real. But no matter what, I can’t seem to believe it.
Silence again. I wait. Body so tense it could cut glass and metal. I don’t dare breathe, they might hear me. I strain my ears to listen; are they still out there?
Soft knocking now, in an almost rhythmic manner. Knock, knock, knock,
I don’t want to see anyone. They’ll surely commit me. They’re already talking about an intervention. It gets worst every week. I can see my future; it runs like a bad tv movie. Predictable and horrible. As long as I have music I’ll be OK. I just need to hear Nina Simone in the background.
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