***
Caged in silence. This silence will be the death of me. My lips are sewn shut and my brain explodes every day. I bleed rubble. Your silence is killing me. Silence. Everywhere I go is a blocked exit. If I eat my way to 600 lbs, then I’ll be ok. Trapped in my body and mind. In my earthquake world, you were my panic room. Safe and accessible. All I can do now is look at you through a glass window. Sinking and invisible unable to break through to the other side. I wish I had a destructive habit. I wish I had no control. I wish you didn’t have to go away.
***
I sit, broken hearted and insane, spewing clichés at you and I hate myself with every tear dropped. I listen to your words like gospel and I’m falling apart inside. I’m broken. Pieces of my heart are scattered around and I don’t know how to put myself together. I’ve opened the flood gates and can’t close them. Wave after devastating wave crashes against the inside of my mind and I get lost in darkness. You’re no longer there to guide me and the thought of continuing without you is overwhelming. Lost in my head. Suddenly I can’t see the truth anymore. I flip things that aren’t there and my reality is shifting. I’ve lost the control I’ve worked so hard to keep. Years of holding on, of building a wall. Now I’m alone with all that hatred locked on the other side. You keep coming back to me with yet. I can’t resist you. My face stings from tears. For months I’ve been praying for the courage to break down. Now I’m broken and down and can’t get fixed. I suddenly don’t care about having a meltdown in front of you. I’m suddenly so desperate for your attention, that it almost feels natural. When you sit me down and ask me what’s wrong. If I want to tell you something. My head screams YES! Get it out! Now’s your chance! Seize it! My mouth can barely form the word, no. I breathe it out: nothing. I’m aching to talk to you. You speak and every word you say creates a hurricane within me. I nod and agree. A million thoughts come crashing down and I can’t speak. I feel disturbed and pathetic. I can’t explain anything; and when words finally escape from beyond tears, it sounds horribly lame. Suddenly, I’m a 16 year old emo girl who can’t deal. You listen patiently and speak in that warm comforting tone. I can’t even look at you. In my fragmented tear stained monologue I manage to express a lot of what’s been protected; what’s been caged. You offer endless support; you say words that are so calming and so reassuring, I feel a chill inside.
***
So this is what heartbreak feels like...
With great hatred comes great clarity. I can suddenly see you in the light. You’re image is so crystal clear and sharp, if I come any closer I’ll cut myself.
“See these eyes of envy. Bitterness it's true, I'm looking through your ashes. Looking right at you, ten thousand years of loving could never set me free from this web of hate I've woven; this chosen misery... Carry scars of sorrow but I have no regrets. And I will return tomorrow: I'm not finished hating yet...”
Things I want to say are exploding again in my mouth. Blood like acid is killing me from the inside. I thought I could trust you, but you’ve cast me aside. Where once I would follow you like a shadow I now stand filled with hate and regret. Deconstructing my journey, trying to rid myself of this... ache. For the first time I can admit that I’m hurt. I can’t convey the magnitude of how hurt I am. You are un-phased. You can’t wait to leave, never to return. I can’t believe you can’t see it. I can’t believe you weren’t there for me...I’ve made the serious mistake of trusting you. I’m heartbroken because of you... and you can’t even see it. I keep these words locked in my head. I hold on to them so tightly, I can’t see straight. For three days tears threaten and break free. I’m on the verge of defeat. I feel broken. I want to blame you but I can’t. What a devastating chain of events...
“I go to these places intending to think to think of nothing, no anticipate. And somehow expect you'll find me there that by some miracle you'd be aware...”
Music, again, like a hug finds its way into my soul and speaks to me in ways nothing else can. And suddenly I can breathe again. In my little shoebox heaven in the shadow of my beloved Moulin Rouge I can break down and pretend someone gives a damn. I can pretend that tomorrow isn’t coming. That maybe there’s a possibility, a slight chance that things will work out in my favour...it’s all so dramatic. I feel like Garbo. I vant to be alon...if it was only that easy.
I hate that you can’t see why this is so hard. I hate that you silence me. That you yell at me. I hate that I can’t blame you for any of it. I hate that I feel so insignificant to you. For a stupid moment I thought I meant something to you. The realization that I don’t hurts. I hate, can barely stand it, that this is the end. I’ll probably never see you again.
“Without you, without you everything falls apart. Without you, without you, it’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces...”
***
